I’m happy to be living but I also can’t wait to die.

A dark cloud has entered my forecast and it’s slowly destroying everything in sight.

Here it is… the life-death-life cycle. The ‘create-maintain-destroy’ … why am I like this?

I’m in the passenger seat. I’m trying to convince myself that I am the driver.

Why can’t I just be normal and not run on e(motion) like everyone else?

What has this life turned in to?

I remember as a teenager I’d cast spells. I didn’t have much and I wasn’t allowed to experience anything. I’d sit in my room and I’d come up with times and dates that something great would happen.

I came upon the numbers 628.

So far, it has meant absolutely nothing. Years have gone by and the numbers still sticks out. At one point they represents hope … and now… well… now they represent the loss of.

I hope I am doing the right thing.

No’s, hoes and bros.

I’m working against a lot of the “no’s” I’ve heard in life.

Specifically the ‘no… you can’t do this.”

The number of rejected powers have been inherited by a long line of ancestral oppression.

I’m learning that the power of meditation is something I can no longer neglect of I want to posses the power of self.

It’s Thursday night. I am trying to make progress by highlighting words that I can’t define in magazine articles. I continue to re-read the article over and over again until it become engraved.

A lot is going on in the world today. Women are continuing to stand against abusers and their sympathizers. A war with many battles.

My mind races from one thought to another. Ultimately it gets constricted into my typical final thought: “what is all of this telling me? — what is my purpose?”

Do I run free and into the wind — find God, discover talents of healing and other aspects of the journey to enlightenment?

Do I join those in the battle and push to fight a fight that may or may not open doors for those who have also heard so many “no’s” in their lives?

Do I display images and words to a wide audience to help them understand these narratives of our world?

What do I do? I feel the utter confusion and emptiness that Sylvia Plath consistently projected in her existential writings.

I do not blame women like Melania Trump — giving up and settling for the perfect pair of Christian Loubitons seems more simple than fussing over what the right thing to do is… unfortunately for her… she has to face herself through the eyes of a man that reflects her own greed. And he’s not pretty…

The last option I have is to ‘just get a job and stay out of it.’ I could have a flock of children and hopefully raise them to be stronger and smarter than I.

The human condition… one that has no right answer… just a bunch of people telling us what we can or can not do.

The ‘no’s’ in life. How much power am I giving them? Perhaps… it’s just my own fear giving it power. Hm.

You know how to make money but you don’t know how to make love. Your houses look like museums or hotels, not homes.

I read a quote the other day that said: “He gave you $20 and I gave you $10. He had $100 and I only had $10.”

Within the past few weeks I’ve felt a clearing coming on. Many people that I gave my all to have doubted me. One being a friend who was secretly in love with me and another being a man that kept loving me a secret.

I’ve gained clarity by dumping my vices and building myself. Signing up for classes…now that I have the time.

Connecting with friends and meeting my neighbors.

Create my routine and planning trips.

I’ve decided to go back to work and rely only on myself.

It’s not easy. But I have to survive.

It’s funny because the whole time I was looking up to pray, he was right above me.

I’m just hoping he’s more than a lesson this time.

Girls on the road

Dear Friend,

I just got done watching this film titled “Boys On The Side.”

In so many ways the characters represented glimpses of our personalities. The four walls that surrounded us became our temporary home. We found ourselves broken into pieces… trying to mend one another with words and stories….

I wish I could take a peak into your life right now and see where you are now in your journey.

Me? I’m living the life I told you that I wanted…and each day I find myself a little more.

As I continued to watch the film, I recognized something from my memory. You were the breeding ground for my healing.

I no longer ache. When I’m down, I hear your voice tell me it’ll be okay.

I pray our paths cross soon.


Paid attention

After watching so many films in one week, I can’t help but view life in the lenses of a director.

I was on a crowded subway heading back home. There was a young girl sitting across from me. She was in her school uniform which consisted of a dark navy skirt and a light blue polo. All of her classmates had flats on but she had kitten heels. Her hair was blonde, her skin a light brown and her eyes were green. She was as beautiful as any pre teen girl could be.

I began to think of my niece.

The bus got more and more crowded. Everyone was rushing home from school or work.

I began to look around at the different types of people around me.

A woman was speaking Spanish out loud. It sounded beautiful over the railing sounds of the train.

Suddenly the area cleared up between myself and the school girl. She was looking right into my eyes and smiling. I looked away and then right back.

She was still starring and smiling.

I smiled back…a bit confused. And a little afraid of her gaze.

We all want to be beautiful until pretty hurts.

The beauty queen pre-teen had mascara and blush on.

Half of my face was covered by my baseball cap and my hair was in French braids. A loose fitted t shirt that read “misfit.” In my most casual appearance, trying to avoid the awareness of others.

When you catch every eye and you hear the smuckering sounds of men’s lips you begin to wonder if attention truly pays…or if it devalues you.

Had we exchanged any words. I would’ve asked her this.

The unconscious

I had this dream that I really wanted to do this thing and then I got scared.

I was on top of a sky scraper in nyc and as soon as I started doubting myself I fell off.

The fall was in slow-mo. I saw the city skyline.

The city of dreams.

The center of the earth.

Why am I so afraid of believing in myself when I’ve gotten this far?

People will ask you for money, ask to borrow this and that from you, ask for you knowledge on certain things …. and as soon as you show that you’re human sometimes and can trip up…they act out.

I have to learn an important lesson in life…. when friends ask me for money… that’s when the friendship ends.

It’s just sad…everyone I knew were wolves in sheeps clothing.