Cottage life — day 15

I got sucked back into social media a few weeks ago.

I’m guilty of admitting that I’ve spent a lot of time browsing pages during my time here at the cottage.

It’s interesting what information you can dig up on these apps. I guess we have no idea what is truly going on in people’s lives but it’s apparent that I’m at the age where my peers are settling.

A few getting married and having kids, a majority of them are still single and focusing on their careers (whatever they may be). Some are still cruising into the same club every weekend and drinking the same bottle of Henny. I’m not hating because sometimes I look at their stories and I know they’re having more fun than me! Ha!

It’s probably best I take another hiatus. It’s truly none of my business what people I don’t talk to are doing.

This is the last week I am in this cottage, and although not much has happened except for this bronze tan and lots of good food and reads … it’s still better than being crammed in an office like everyone else.

I don’t know if I’ll have another summer of luxury like this. I don’t really know what my reality is or what it will be. I don’t even know what reality is anymore…not in this day and age.

I looked at my notes from this time last year, and the year before and so on…. and I feel like I’ve been floating in life. From home to home, city to city, sunrise to sunset… I’ve lived through books and movies. I’ve spent a lot of time on the road and in between mountains. Relationships that destroyed me and friendships that helped me grow. What a damn journey of self-discovery … and yet, I’m not sure of who I am… still.

On one hand, I want to flick a lighter and travel with my thoughts. On the other, I feel like I need to get serious.

About what exactly? Who knows. But if I’m supposed to be right where I’m at, then so be it. It’s a beautiful view after all.

Cottage Life — Day 10

I am not going to start this blog post out formally.

I am drinking a glass of red wine from Argentina.

With that being said, why is everyone from high school already deciding that at 26 they want to get married and settle down?
Do you even know yourselves enough? *Judging* lol!
It’s funny, all of my girlfriends (who have completely different lifestyles) always talk about that. Maybe it’s because I live in New York and there isn’t a pressure to tie the knot. Then again, I know a few people from my high school that have lived in New York for quite some time and are doing just that.
It feels just like yesterday when my 10th grade English teacher sat us around in a circle and asked us to open up. I was too cool for that so I said I wanted to be a rapper. Hah! I didn’t. I was just anti-feelings. But I do remember one girl announced that her parents were divorcing and she began to cry. Well, divorce rates have gone up immensely…I thought we would’ve learned.

Okay, maybe I am being negative but I’ve seen a different side of people in the real world. You know…the type that settle down too fast and before they know it they have three kids, a full-time job with a mortgage and wish they could rewind. I wouldn’t want to settle down until I am somewhere in my mid 30’s. To each their own. I guess I just need more time.

I actually got some work done today. I think it’s because I mediated at the beach today. There is going to be a solar eclipse happening sometime soon.

I walked through this secret garden today and I was surrounded by bunnies. I texted my dear friend Seven and mentioned that they reminded me of Bre. Seven suggested that it was Bre’s way of saying hi. It’s interesting because I’ve spent my time here asking these spirit guides to lead me into the right direction.

“Just give me a hint.”

“maybe it will come to me in my dreams”

*has a dream about being drunk*

“uhhhh…”

Bre was a writer. If Seven is right, maybe the sign is that I just need to keep writing…

Cottage life – Day 9

I haven’t stumbled upon any new ideas. I’ve just come to term with a lot of things…. like ….

is it just me or did it take everyone else a while to accept that things don’t happen in the snap of fingers? (Blame Bewitched)

Specifically: relationships.

They are a lot of work. You’re not always running hand in hand through a field of daisies. Sometimes you have to walk on fire or dive deep into the ocean. Or worse… just walk on boring old concrete.

It seems like a no brainer (as mentioned above, I haven’t come up with any new ideas!) but everyone I know struggles with this.

As soon as relationships get difficult or boring people want to venture out. Sometimes it’s worth it and sometimes others find that they’ve made a big mistake.

I have one friend who jumps from relationship to relationship because she feels as if they just stop working out. The excitement runs out of gas. Truth is, you have to nurture your relationship the same way you maintain your car. If you keep getting rid of every car you buy over simple mishaps, than you’ll end up (broke) taking the bus and completely missing out on the joys of having your own ride. (Figuratively speaking — I enjoy public transportation).

Granted, some cars are worth tossing. Just like relationships. Sometimes they just don’t work because they are so beat up.

I’ve been reading this book (Women Who Run With The Wolves) and the author (who is a genius analysis) dissects old folktales and parallels them with real life. Her chapter on Skeleton Woman portrays the values of working things out in relationships.

In her analysis she finds that those we fear to love are usually best for us.

The Scorpio in me laughed because I remember every man I scared away with my rage, passion and deep rooted issues … just to find them in my inbox years later asking for a chance. There is beauty once you learn to respect the thorns. There is also beauty in good timing. I never go back.

The author also advises female readers to not solely dive into relationships with men who give them the “spark” (or the excitement)… no, it’s best to seek relationships with those that want to understand you. It’s no use in giving away your treasures to those who aren’t willing to dig for it.

In my own poetic discoveries, I’ve come to realize that nature reflects love.

The ocean:

If you look closely into the horizon — where water meets sky — you can witness a white line — the same one that appears just above our lips before it meets the skin under our nose.

If you watch/hear the waves it gives code on the ways of kissing. The waves overlapping one another symbolize the rhythm of the lover’s lips’ embracing. The loud roar of the waters colliding is the glimpse of the tongue making an appearance. Short but powerful.

This is only day 9 in the cottage, I hope to have more than just prophetic analogies. Ha.

Cottage life – Day 7

There is one type of energy that you don’t want ringing on your doorbell.

It’s the “Wake up. and Grow up.” Truth be told, I wish I could stay behind these white picket fences and be happy but I’ve had an itch to go beyond what I’m safe with.

I am just afraid of the toggling. Being on your own is tough, but growth seems necessary.

Today the door bell rang and said that I had 7 more weeks to figure it out. My mood began to deflate. I know I have to face that reality, but hearing it out loud put a damper on my un-made up mind. Damn it. Why can’t I just figure it out.

Meanwhile, one of my friends (who is basking in the real world) just dealt with an atrocious shooting at her apartment…as well as the paying and nonpaying roommates that have been giving her hell. Would I have to put up with that?

Can I do it? I did it once, twice…and now my third. I’m somewhere between “Do I really have to?” to “I have to.”

Sacrifice is going to be a big theme in the coming months. I just hope it’ll all be worth it.

Day 4 — cottage life.

I enjoy small spaces. They make you want to run out and do something. All you really need is a nice clean place to lay your head in. A small kitchen to prepare good meals. Life is simple, especially when you can walk to the beach.

I’ve been getting into the groove of things. It’s become a ritual to begin my day by walking or running to the beach. Before that, I greet myself with a home cooked breakfast.

On my walk, I’m entertained by the cooing of the insects and the sea breeze that hits your face. When I open my mouth I can taste the salt. Really early in the morning mist and salt take space in the air, it gives my walks a very mystical vibe.

The air will get so thick with cloud matter that it almost feels like you’re in one. The ocean and the clouds meet so close that it feels like a figure of some heavenly kind will appear in the twists of light. I think I just walked into the gates of Heaven.

By the afternoon the sky clears up and you begin to recognize the lush nature the ocean provides for us.

I’ve taken it upon myself to baptize myself with the ocean water. I was reading in my book, Women Who Run With The Wolves, about the history in cleansing yourself with water and how it still resonates with the life-death-life cycle.

I’m not the woman of my past, but she is still celebrated because she is my teacher today.

Someone abusive to my nature from my past life tried to connect with me yesterday. I had no sympathy in rejecting them. I will respect the lessons they brought me, but I don’t keep souvenirs of mistakes I’ve made. Lessons bring you values, too many, can also devalue you. The invisible scars on my heart are enough to remind me to stay away from certain folks. I’m also learning that they don’t mean to cause harm, it’s just in human nature to hurt when we are hurting. Unfortunately. For some. That’s sad.

I like this time alone. I get to restore myself. The world takes so much away from me. At times. Much like a bird that flies from home to home, I like to also coop up in my own nest and take time to lay my own eggs.

Well… yeah. This is a beautiful life. And I get to live it today.

The cottage

I remember the spring of 2017. Gari and I were shacked up in a hut/motel.

Well, it wasn’t something that we necessarily planned. It sure as hell wasn’t advertised the way we both expected. I remember the day before she arrived, I walked into the place and was so thankful she needed a place to crash. I could’ve not done it alone. The purple-grape-vine-covered studio will always hold a special place in my heart. We were both lost and we got to press the pause button and enjoy it. We made our place a home, well, it was mainly her. We had clouds of smoke fill up the space around us, lots of deep talks, laughs and run-ins with the Bills. On our last day there, a sand storm hit, it was the end of that small world we created. I miss her. A lot.

Today, I checked into a cozy cottage by some rich elderly lady’s home. She has the second biggest property out here. The land is filled with lush gardens, a tree house and a place to ride horses. It’s a dream.

I forced MK to dust what the maid couldn’t. Had he seen the studio Gari and I were in, he’d laugh in my face. Some things are better left unsaid.

I guess I’m just a little sad that Gari isn’t on the other end of the room knitting. It’s just me now.

I’m developing a little wellness plan while I’m here. Eat, pray, love type of stuff. I plan to write, read and visit the beach a lot. Besides my blog and a few minutes of social media, I won’t hesitate much to check the net. I need a break from it all.

Cheers! To another self-discovery adventure in a tiny place.

Saving

I took a lot of traits from my mother, so you must be like yours. Although, you never talk about her. I wish you did. History would give us a good sense of where we came from. Licking old wounds that were set into me by my ancestors. I feel them inside of me when I rage. When I speak of death, I mean, shedding an old life. An old way. Thousands of years of conditioning. I speak about the root of the problem, but they just want to see the flower. Glory is shed. In this garden I will not grow. Let the seeds of my imagination be planted in richer soil. The color grows from the darkest flesh; my soul.