In a relationship with my bed.

(The breakfast I made in our cozy winter cabin)

Recently, I’ve had dreams where I can’t get out of my own bed. A few nights ago I dreamt that I had a stove on my bed. I began to sauté some spinach and before I knew it, my bed sheets intertwined with the meal I was preparing. Last night, I dreamt that a friend had to pull me out of bed after spending an exhausting amount of time in it.

Why these dreams?

A common depressive behavior. I remember a friend who had a similar problem, however, she had a young son and sometimes, she slept so long that she didn’t feed him or take him to school. I’d purposely make a lot of visits just so he wasn’t bored or hungry.

Another friend of mine, who I grew up with, had a mother that would do the same. She’d pull all the curtains tight so no light shone through, and would lay in bed all day. This was during high school and my friend had to visit other families for proper meals.

I’m also guilty of spending more time than I need to in bed. It’s a sick habit that has taken a long time to unlearn.

I’ve noticed in life, that an unhealthy relationship with our beds is what triggers the beginning stages of depression.

One should not have phones in the same room where they sleep. Nor should one do any activity besides sleeping or making love on a bed.

These past two weeks, I began to feel a depressive state take over. I tried very hard to fight it by eating healthy, working out (barely but better than nothing), meditating and reading. However, I was still tied to my bed a few hours longer than I should have.

I need to do better, I think that’s why my dreams have been calling me out. It’s obvious what I need to do, it’s just the process of doing that seems to tie me to my bed 😫

Old ink & moving mountains

In preparation for life in the 30s, I’ve decided to zap off my one and only tattoo. I got it when I was 18 — on a road trip down to LA with 3 other friends. It was my first act of rebellion. The tattoo was of a dove flying over a harp, (I know only a teen would think of that) and it symbolized wanting to be free. My mother always told me if she could be any animal it would be a bird because they could fly away. From a symbolical stand point that is exactly what my life turned in to, a bird flying away while the music plays. (Sounds like a Nelly Furtado song. Oh well.)

But I’m also 26 and if I learned anything from where I was this time last year, it’s that living “young, wild and free” has an exhausting expiration date. Maybe, when I hit my 50’s, I’ll wild out. But in the mean time it’s bye-bye tattoo & old life, you were fun while you lasted but the party came to a stop — and thank God it did.

Upon moving mountains, I find myself in sunny Telluride, CO. I plan to have a post describing this city and what I’ve experienced. In the mean time, I’m learning how to ski.

Polar weather

Learning to transfer stressful energy into working harder. I’ve noticed a pattern in my energy levels. Periodically, throughout the month I’m energetic and motivated. And then I have an outburst of low vibrational days where I’m not able to complete every task on my to do list. Today, I woke up at 5 A.M. (with little to no energy) to get out of bed and then I pushed myself to make tea and get to work. I had an early lunch. And then my vibrations set low. I’ve been avoiding taking a nap. I’m starting to crash. And each day I’m pushing against this wheel. But I’m learning that I need to reverse it and push forward. How to completely undue this awful curse of rising to a perfectionist’s standards and then falling flat on the line with failure. I’ve come far but I’m tired of this teeter-tottering of my soul. How I can be the greatest painter in one instance, and then someone that lacks the vision of color in the next? The sky is clear blue and then there is this one grey cloud, that I’m finally surrendering to. I’m no longer battling with you. You’re here. And I have to learn how to get along with you. I have to help you grow and hopefully show you that smaller steps are better to take. Better than, taking large leaps and then falling short, just to take another large leap — aren’t you sick of hurting yourself in this process? Here we go again, back to the joyful delight of hypomania. The ups and downs that seem to get me to exactly where I want to be — yet, it’s still not enough.

Parent’s advice

On the train today:

Kid: Mom, why is everyone looking at my shoelaces?

Mom: No one is looking, and if they are, they don’t have any of their own business to mind.

Random guy: Nice shoelaces!

Kid: Mind your own business.

The Temp Agent

I had a dream last night that I was stuck in a temp agents office discussing my future. Mildly interesting, my temp agent knew me as well as my therapist. It went something like this:

Her office was located in the middle of no where. Probably Death Valley or some other deserted plain in America. The office was the size of a small cabin. I entered through the front door and she was sitting there typing away, while stacks of papers clouded her desk.

Agent: “oh! It’s you again. I’m delighted to see you. How is” — she paused and lifted one of the many files in her stash. She reached inside and a flood of receipts poured out. She picked up the first small paper and adjusted her glasses — “how was Berlin? You must have gotten a thrill from reviewing films. I mean, that’s in your realm isn’t it?”

Me: “yeah, it was a pleasant experience.” — I paused, and sat down at her desk, and continued to speak to her through the pyramid of files that hid everything except her eyebrows. “I enjoyed it, but you know, the job title isn’t truly mine. Plus those films, I mean some of the scenes really set off certain triggers in my head.”

Agent: “ah, I see. You know those triggers will eventually become less powerful. Have you been writing?”

Me: “I began my novel, 20 pages or so, and then I lost interest. And dwindled into a depression. That’s why I’m here.”

Agent: “Now, you know I’m not a certified therapist. But I’m assuming you are looking for a new job. One that fits you.” — she smiled with her eyebrows, glanced at the screen and began typing. “Aha! The Desert Inn is looking for a new person to run it. If you run it for over a year, half the place is yours.”

Me: “sounds enchanting. Why does that make you think of me?”

Agent: “Well, you’ve traveled so much. I mean, you practically lived in hotels. Remember that one job I sent you on.” — she began to scratch her forehead. — “The one where you were selling applications for major hotels.”

Me: “right, the one where one of the employees began to cross the line.”

Agent: She nervously giggled. — “well, this one is better. You’re the boss. There is no case of sexual harassment, unless of course, you are the predator yourself… which I highly doubt.” — she let out a big laugh.

Me: “My life must seem like some kind of joke to you, and I don’t blame you, I mean I’ve been in your office more times than your maintenance guy.”

Agent: “well, don’t be silly. The maintenance guy only comes here once a month.”

Me: “I can tell.”

Agent: “Plus, there is Joey. Who is running a failing clothing line. He’s in and out, trying to gather odd jobs so that he could continue purchasing fabric for his line of ‘swap meet chic.’ Unfortunately, the maintenance guy is his only customer”

The agent let out a big laugh and reached for her morning cup of coffee.

Me: “I don’t know. Me? Running a hotel. I mean, I guess I’d get fond of the guests and their stories.”

Agent: “sure! And they may even enjoy the complimentary tea you select.”

Me: “is there anything else on the list?”

Agent: “Well, there is your old job but we both know how we feel about that. It could work for another 2-3 years, but you’d eventually fall into another depression, maybe even a greater one.”

Me: “I can’t have that again, although, it did grant me the freedom I wish I had today.”

Agent: “yes, well, some jobs come with a heavier price. What do you think of landscaping?

Me: “I could do it, but I wouldn’t love it.”

Agent: “Which means you’ll quit in a week.”

Me: “you’re like the aunt I never had.”

Agent: “with love, of course, you are one of my more difficult clients. What’s been bothering you this time?”

Me: “same old, same old. An unfulfilled feeling that gets deeper and darker as time goes by.”

Agent: “hmph, well how about this: ‘make-up artist at morgue needed’ what do you say to that, the listing is detailed as: ‘need someone to lively up the faces of those who are not so alive.”

I looked at the temp agents eyebrows, they were raising up and down. When I didn’t answer her, she had calls to answer. She was a busy woman. I wondered if she ever had time to be unhappy.

Agent: Well, I have another client coming in soon. Should I check you off on that hotel job? Or should we reschedule another time?

I let out a sigh, and then I woke up.

Getting back into it

Okay, I totally let depression beat my ass this week. A mixture of jet lag, a loss, constantly being on the go and then not being on the go for anything. I crashed. I ate too many dates and nuts. Ugh. I have no excuses tomorrow.

Even if it means starting all over. Pushing yourself to keep going is stamina that needs to be built 😪 If not for body goals but for mental goals. I got to get back to taking things more seriously.

Spring is ringing around the corner. I have a beautiful body to cater to. I have a beautiful mind to honor. And a beautiful soul to match. Positive affirmations 😭 I really want to see a picture of myself in a bikini this summer that screams: “you still look 22.” And not for the sake of social media or for anyone to see it, just for the sake of me.

(Btw – Sofia Richie is my new style icon, I’ve seen her in a couple of classic pieces and she’s definitely the next big thing. )

I’m also in need of a serious make over. Like, I’m sure I can use a laser treatment. Oh, and I bought those new vegan vitamins. I need a new eyebrow shape. And possibly Botox! Ha. No, I still get asked for my ID at 26. But I’m not opposed. I can definitely use a little reboot.

A new wardrobe too. I just need to get back to being my pretty self that doesn’t give a ****. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Marijuana & beach walks

I think it’s time I put a stop on my use of marijuana. I haven’t smoked much in 2018, but just three days ago, I had a little spare time and I bought some… and let’s just say, I’ve gained too much happy weight. I’ve slowed down on my studying. I love it because on one end it makes walks at the beach amazing.

The north eastern wind was going 65 mph last night and here it is still at work. The energy at the ocean was crazy, yo. Felt like it could swoop me up and take me down below in a second. But also — magnetic waves. Nature is beautiful. Science teaches you that.

And the moon was full last night.

It’s beautiful to witness this on the country side. But it’s definitely slowed the show down. I’m on my way to Colorado next week and then Seattle a few weeks after. The two places that have legal marijuana. Let’s see if I can manage not part taking.

I always do this to myself. Like that one time I decided to become a vegetarian right before going to Europe. I guess, I am very difficult but at least I’m not letting anyone put up with it anymore.

Besides, I’ve decided that I’ll be that rich bitch that wakes up to this being her backyard. By then, I can get back into marijuana and beach walks, forever.