Life is a numbers game. Everyone wants 10-20% more than what they originally asked for. That’s why most of us aren’t too satisfied with our lives. Some call it greed… but for most of us it’s the American Dream.
Where has life taken me for the last year and a half? I’ve found myself in the middle of tropical jungles, ancient castles, worldly events and champagne glasses.
In the last couple of days, I’ve had dreams of people from my past. Lovers and old friends. I’m a little ashamed to admit that I reminisce more about them than the other way around.
All I have are these memories. For some time, I was trying to piece them together… “What happened?” And “Why is no one here?” And then I realized that it just had to be this way.
God, the universe, the highest power…whatever we call the supreme had a different plan for me. In order to have what I have now, I had to let go of the past. And that meant people.
Like figurines in a sculpture park, each one of them defy a story of who I once was. I’m in awe of my past because of the brilliance I was able to acquire from it.
If I could start all over, I’d only make myself more aware of the details.
The neon lights that sprawled across our young bodies. No one was awake when I was dancing with the devil. I’d replay the many scenes of me hoping into the scorching hot showers, washing away the sins of another man.
I’d capture every crack in the old motels and every sun rise on the open road.
I’d dance in circles on the casino carpet to the chimes of the penny slots.
What a magical life. To end up in the world’s most beautiful places when it began in loveless scenes.
I remember one day specifically at the Palms. I was looking through the tall windows and my eyes focused on the big white church right across the street.
It stood out like gold.
I thought of her. And all that she went through and how hard it must have been to be alone.
I prayed for the whirlwind to end… but it only got better.
I just woke up from a dream. I was sitting at the same hospital my father had been in. Sitting next to me was a stranger, but he seemed so familiar. We had to write a song based off of the word ‘withdraw.’ We chuckled. We both had our experiences. I felt an embrace, not physical, but a warmth from the soul. In darkness you can always find a friend that reflects the most disturbing part of the human condition. I was selfish once…too many times. Chasing highs to balance out the lows. I traveled to the underworld and met many demons. Some handsome and some so wretched that I wondered if they had any spirit left. When I become more enlightened, I descended. Often, during a sunset or on a long drive home. I think of those people I met along the rode. I wonder if they’ve discovered ways to grow…or if they are still enjoying the violet shades of gloom. I can still feel that feeling of having it all and losing it in seconds.
If I described to anyone what I’ve witnessed in the last couple of days…or weeks…or even months…they’d ask me if I was talking films.
Life put me in the same room with a raging alcoholic, a hypochondriac (that may or may not have an eating disorder), someone with the patience of a 2 year old and a manic photo enforcer.
I was in pure hell. On the second night, I joined the alcoholic…I needed to take the edge off. 6 shots of ‘3 generation tequila’ later and my spirit had descended to meet my ancestors. Finally, I began to feel like I could stand everyone.
I agreed to take pictures, I agreed to run around, drink and I even prescribed my hypochondriac friend a supplement for her many ailments.
I kept thinking, “well… what can I learn from these people?”
Was this a reflection of me? The music I listen to? What on earth dragged all of us together in the same room.
in the middle of nowhere, Mexico.
I wanted nothing to do with anyone, except of course, the manic photographer. But even he was getting on my last nerve.
For 2 days, we all sat in a circle and discussed the volatile relationships between the alcoholic and a big time designer, bits about the hypochondriac’s list of allergies, ailments, fears and childhood struggles. As she went on, a number of suggestions of “doing something else already” from the impatient…and the need to take a picture of it all by the third.
And what was I doing? Sitting in a rage of course. I was wronged. But for once I didn’t react. I sat through every second of pain asking myself: “what can I learn from this?”
Was this my reflection?
A hypo-fragile addict that is impatient and superficial ?
Or, in the eyes of Don Julio:
A sensitive and passionate tequila drinker that wants more out of life than to just sit and is ultra reflective?
I came for the view.
I got sucked back into social media a few weeks ago.
I’m guilty of admitting that I’ve spent a lot of time browsing pages during my time here at the cottage.
It’s interesting what information you can dig up on these apps. I guess we have no idea what is truly going on in people’s lives but it’s apparent that I’m at the age where my peers are settling.
A few getting married and having kids, a majority of them are still single and focusing on their careers (whatever they may be). Some are still cruising into the same club every weekend and drinking the same bottle of Henny. I’m not hating because sometimes I look at their stories and I know they’re having more fun than me! Ha!
It’s probably best I take another hiatus. It’s truly none of my business what people I don’t talk to are doing.
This is the last week I am in this cottage, and although not much has happened except for this bronze tan and lots of good food and reads … it’s still better than being crammed in an office like everyone else.
I don’t know if I’ll have another summer of luxury like this. I don’t really know what my reality is or what it will be. I don’t even know what reality is anymore…not in this day and age.
I looked at my notes from this time last year, and the year before and so on…. and I feel like I’ve been floating in life. From home to home, city to city, sunrise to sunset… I’ve lived through books and movies. I’ve spent a lot of time on the road and in between mountains. Relationships that destroyed me and friendships that helped me grow. What a damn journey of self-discovery … and yet, I’m not sure of who I am… still.
On one hand, I want to flick a lighter and travel with my thoughts. On the other, I feel like I need to get serious.
About what exactly? Who knows. But if I’m supposed to be right where I’m at, then so be it. It’s a beautiful view after all.
I am not going to start this blog post out formally.
I am drinking a glass of red wine from Argentina.
With that being said, why is everyone from high school already deciding that at 26 they want to get married and settle down?
Do you even know yourselves enough? *Judging* lol!
It’s funny, all of my girlfriends (who have completely different lifestyles) always talk about that. Maybe it’s because I live in New York and there isn’t a pressure to tie the knot. Then again, I know a few people from my high school that have lived in New York for quite some time and are doing just that.
It feels just like yesterday when my 10th grade English teacher sat us around in a circle and asked us to open up. I was too cool for that so I said I wanted to be a rapper. Hah! I didn’t. I was just anti-feelings. But I do remember one girl announced that her parents were divorcing and she began to cry. Well, divorce rates have gone up immensely…I thought we would’ve learned.
Okay, maybe I am being negative but I’ve seen a different side of people in the real world. You know…the type that settle down too fast and before they know it they have three kids, a full-time job with a mortgage and wish they could rewind. I wouldn’t want to settle down until I am somewhere in my mid 30’s. To each their own. I guess I just need more time.
I actually got some work done today. I think it’s because I mediated at the beach today. There is going to be a solar eclipse happening sometime soon.
I walked through this secret garden today and I was surrounded by bunnies. I texted my dear friend Seven and mentioned that they reminded me of Bre. Seven suggested that it was Bre’s way of saying hi. It’s interesting because I’ve spent my time here asking these spirit guides to lead me into the right direction.
“Just give me a hint.”
“maybe it will come to me in my dreams”
*has a dream about being drunk*
Bre was a writer. If Seven is right, maybe the sign is that I just need to keep writing…
I haven’t stumbled upon any new ideas. I’ve just come to term with a lot of things…. like ….
is it just me or did it take everyone else a while to accept that things don’t happen in the snap of fingers? (Blame Bewitched)
They are a lot of work. You’re not always running hand in hand through a field of daisies. Sometimes you have to walk on fire or dive deep into the ocean. Or worse… just walk on boring old concrete.
It seems like a no brainer (as mentioned above, I haven’t come up with any new ideas!) but everyone I know struggles with this.
As soon as relationships get difficult or boring people want to venture out. Sometimes it’s worth it and sometimes others find that they’ve made a big mistake.
I have one friend who jumps from relationship to relationship because she feels as if they just stop working out. The excitement runs out of gas. Truth is, you have to nurture your relationship the same way you maintain your car. If you keep getting rid of every car you buy over simple mishaps, than you’ll end up (broke) taking the bus and completely missing out on the joys of having your own ride. (Figuratively speaking — I enjoy public transportation).
Granted, some cars are worth tossing. Just like relationships. Sometimes they just don’t work because they are so beat up.
I’ve been reading this book (Women Who Run With The Wolves) and the author (who is a genius analysis) dissects old folktales and parallels them with real life. Her chapter on Skeleton Woman portrays the values of working things out in relationships.
In her analysis she finds that those we fear to love are usually best for us.
The Scorpio in me laughed because I remember every man I scared away with my rage, passion and deep rooted issues … just to find them in my inbox years later asking for a chance. There is beauty once you learn to respect the thorns. There is also beauty in good timing. I never go back.
The author also advises female readers to not solely dive into relationships with men who give them the “spark” (or the excitement)… no, it’s best to seek relationships with those that want to understand you. It’s no use in giving away your treasures to those who aren’t willing to dig for it.
In my own poetic discoveries, I’ve come to realize that nature reflects love.
If you look closely into the horizon — where water meets sky — you can witness a white line — the same one that appears just above our lips before it meets the skin under our nose.
If you watch/hear the waves it gives code on the ways of kissing. The waves overlapping one another symbolize the rhythm of the lover’s lips’ embracing. The loud roar of the waters colliding is the glimpse of the tongue making an appearance. Short but powerful.
This is only day 9 in the cottage, I hope to have more than just prophetic analogies. Ha.