Not to sound jaded, but I am jaded.
Figuratively speaking, there is a part of your soul you do sell. It’s not to say you’re evil; it’s just to say that it won’t be there for a while.
Like a library book, I let the system, take my book on love and friendship – for a while – and I’m starting to think it’s lost – and that it’s okay, to not have that right now.
It’s not to say I’m lonely – but I prefer being alone.
When I look you in the eyes – I always wish this was a few years ago, when I was young and naïve – to everything, and everyone. You would have been worth it, but I can’t take gambles like that anymore.
There was a time when love was like Hollywood to me. Boy meets girl, right place, right time – and that formula creates an everlasting quench of happiness throughout your lives.
Then it happens in real life and you’re like: “But I’m not fully satisfied.”
I had a debate with one of my closest friends the other day. We were sitting across from each other and they had pointed out that I’m always questioning our trust – even though, we’ve been in each other’s lives for years.
I couldn’t say much except: “That’s the chip I carry on my shoulders.”
Trust issues. (And yeah, it’s a Scorpio thing, why do you think every other Drake song has a theme of betrayal?). I actually went to Dubai because I didn’t want to kick it with anyone for a while, lol!
See, it’s not a lack of love or people being thrown at my way, it’s a lack of trust I have for anyone.
I used to open every door for anyone who needed a home, because I knew what it was like to not have one.
I’d be that girl that would treat you like family, die for you, help you out when you needed it – and it’s not to say it wasn’t reciprocated … but to be honest: it wasn’t. Most of the people I was there for like that had turned their back on me.
I needed that shade to grow from a different light. And thank God, it happened.
For a while, I blamed myself and then like my martial arts teacher said: “I made the mistake, of making a mistake once.”
I always chuckle at that, he knows I’m my own worst critic.
I’m not really upset about this phase in my life; I have all I need, I’m just focusing on what I want to happen.
It’s just, once in a while, when I look into a certain someone’s eyes I think: “No, not again.”
It’s always “What’s your intentions?” – because the last few had ill intent and as many lessons I can learn from the past; I’m good on learning the same ones over and over again.
These days, I have a destination and I’m realizing that I’m allowed to enjoy the journey to an extent, like Ray said: “It’s 95% work and 5% play.”
So, for me, it’s like unless your hustle matches mine then I can’t right now, maybe later, when that piece of my soul – library book – turns back up.
I just hope it’s still there… you’re still there.