The black cat

From time, I'll actually check to see who views my posts on social media and I chuckle when I see that a flock of my exes continue to lurk. It's always the worst when I know they have a girlfriend. And don't get me started on the ones who make fake accounts to follow me.
The funny thing is, if this was 20 years ago, no one would understand that first paragraph — but I'm not ashamed to say I'm a product of my generation which is being a technologically advanced annoying millennial. I can't believe we now have technology and laws that gives us that information.
Having that information makes me giggle, because to be honest it doesn't really matter. It's affirmation — but I can only take that and run with it so far before I realize my confidence can't come from a place of sweet revenge.
Instead, it stems from being pushed against a wall and always creating a lane to over come it — I mean that's the beauty of life, in essence, right?
There is just one thing that somehow ties into all of this and it has to do with what I haven't been able to overcome.
It seems as of lately I've experienced 'black cat syndrome'.
You know, when you see a black cat and you start praying to God that you don't run into a wave of bad luck.
It always used to happen to me when I didn't have my driver's license and I was driving. A black cat would always make sure to cross every street I was riding dirty on and I'd get flushed with anxiety that a cop was around the corner.
So, I'm trying to figure out, why in the past week the opposite sex has labeled me 'trouble' or 'dangerous' — without doing anything dangerous or wanting to cause trouble.
And then it hurt when it came from someone I kind of admired. I had heard it for the 100th time that week and I had to be like "hey, look I'm not 'trouble' don't project that on me. I have three meals a day, I snack in between. Yeah, I have a problem with being patient and letting people know how I feel directly-(lol), but I'm working on it. Im not trouble." Mad defensive. (There goes my New York vocab).
You know; the black cat syndrome.
And I'm sure, it means something else but power of tongue is important. If you've ever read 'The 4 agreements' – you know what real black magic is – the author describe it as using words to manipulate people.
So for instance if you tell someone they're a horrible singer – chances are, they aren't but they'll never know because they become too ashamed to sing ever again in their lives. A powerful curse.
There is also an agreement on not taking things personally – but it's so hard when you think the whole world revolves around you; – just joking, ha!
And on that note, I can't take anyone's word personally (unless, of course, they know me inside and out) and that takes a while to truly understand and practice.
Just the other week, a friend visited me. And this friend is interesting because it seems as if every time we've traveled on our own we've also managed to run across each other.
We were talking and he seemed to have thought that I was into assholes; because he claimed to be one and was assuming that because I'd given him time that I enjoyed his behavior.
I couldn't wait for him to leave.
Especially, after he said "of course you like me, you like what you can't have."
I really looked at him for 2 seconds before dismissing him out of my life and I had to throw something back like: "If someone doesn't like me back, it's because someone better does." No offense taken but he was creating a chakra imbalance. I had to burn sage after he left.
And it may have been sign of growth.
I'm 25, that "I'm into assholes" phase died with every other bad trend — thank God.
I feel super bad for my girl friends that haven't realized their own power and are still stuck on men like that.
But the point of that was; in that given situation I could see what he was trying to do and it honestly made me sad.
I really enjoyed this person and the times we shared. I still respect him though, not for being an asshole, but for being so open about being one that I couldn't take it personal, it's who he was.
If I could try to wrap up what exes/old friends hovering over your life via social media to see if you finally lost it all like they had hoped – but you didn't. *dramatic bow* — and what any of that has to do with feeling like a stereotyped black cat – I honestly couldn't come to a conclusion.
I'm starting to realize that if I choose to write publicly it would feel more genuine if I let you pry on how I think.
Which is a web of tangents that create a beautiful enigma – much like a black cat.

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