I don’t know what moon is in transition or if it’s the start of my period that gets me this emotionally unbalanced.
It’s possible that it’s both. I’m back in my hometown and I’m feeling all types of ways. I’ve learned so much about myself — just being here for a few days.
I’ve been beginning to have minor flashbacks of my past life. Haunting memories of people who took advantage of me, and even where I hurt people close to me.
These flashbacks paralyze me for 10-30 seconds. And then I’m fumed with shame and guilt.
It sucks because I was doing this by myself and no one around me could tell me what I was going through.
I survived a hell. And now that I’ve survived I’m attacked by survivor’s remorse and ghosts of my memories.
Ghost of my memories, you know, places where you were with the wrong people — and when you pass by the real estate the memory haunts you.
But I know what this is — and I remind myself:
When you are living through trauma — you’re in survival mode — there is no time for you to recap much — and now that I’ve survived — my psyche is changing and I’m now seeing a lot of what I couldn’t see at the given moment.
I have no choice but to accept it, learn from it and forgive myself.
Even those that hurt me, I ask God to end their suffering. Hurt people hurt people. And when you’re in survival mode you have to choose your choice of weapon — or people will think it’s okay to fuck with you.
Mine happened to be my vindictiveness. I had to get anyone back that tried to hurt me — and it was okay if everyone thought I was crazy — they were less likely to fuck with me.
That same tool has caused me a lot of guilt. Vindication is a two way knife.
But that’s what I had and looking back, I don’t actually regret getting certain people back. Putting hands on me or disrespecting me when all I had given was love or a friendship – was only an indication that I wasn’t allowing anyone to take advantage of me.
Despite the bull shit I went through – I am strong.
Barely gave in and never gave up.
I have moments of anxiety that start with: “what’s the worst thing one can do from my past?”
And, quite honestly, nothing. They can try but I’m a new person now.
This isn’t my first round of post traumatic stress. I’ve boxed my way through some of life’s toughest moments. Even when I didn’t want to be alive — something around me pulled for me.
3 years ago, I began my healing journey. The year was coming to an end and I wrote out all of these things I wanted to accomplish. Most of them had to do with my character – I wanted to evolve into a better person.
When I look through that specific list, I’d say: I’ve accomplished most.
I love myself. Although I was a tough cookie in my past – my past was also tough – which makes me strong. That alone deserves respect. I truly love myself.
I stand in front of the mirror with not one ounce of make up, my hair in curly poofy-mode (it’s natural state), with my legs barely shaven and a few scars here and there — and I can’t help but think how beautiful I am.
I don’t know if it’s my physical features – or who I’ve become – or who I’ve always been at heart. I have one of the biggest hearts and I’m so glad that this world didn’t change that.
I know I’ve inspired few peoples and maybe more. I’m told often by those closest to me that I’ve endured so much – and in their times of sadness, they look to me for inspiration.
That alone, makes it all worth it.
I’m proud of myself. And I will continue to evolve into a better person. I’m not taking life lightly anymore. I’m using my time on earth to make it a better place.
So here’s to 2018’s goals:
1. Continue to love myself.
2. Continue to forgive myself and those around me.
3. Write my story. Turn it into a book.
4. Learn how to play the guitar.
5. Write a song. (Just one)
6. Constantly try new things.
7. Find what I’m most interested in & design a career from it.
8. Embark on a fixed spiritual belief that I can use to comfortably fall back on.
9. Pray more.
10. Speak less, listen more.
11. Less phone/social media – more awareness of my surroundings.
12. To travel as much as possible.
13. To continue learning: 1 book a month — at least!
14. To be a good family member, a good love and a good friend.
15. To practice honesty — yet protecting my space.
16. To practice saying more positive things about myself out loud.
17. Practice gratuity by constantly say thank you.
18. To continue my health & fitness journey for the rest of my life. (Run 5 miles straight!)
19. I want to be able to get most of my family’s recipes down by heart.
20. To make my life a living art.
2017 – I proved to myself that I can do anything I set my mind to. I learned to love myself. I learned valuable lessons of life. Overall, it was the year I truly turned over a new leaf.
So, 2018, has to be about continuing to build on that. And if you ask me – I have a really strong foundation to build on.
At the end of 2018, I want to be able to be proud of myself for putting my foot foreword, and choosing what I want to work towards in life. I want to make my foundation as firm as a mountain.
In 2018, I want to wake up with a fight in me. A good fight. I want to be able to say I made everyday worth it.
At the end of 2018, I want to be able to say I used my power to it’s full potential and made something AMAZING of it.