When you no longer can hide…

I’ve been thinking, for quite some time, that none of us are all bad and most of are decent at being good, or at least knowing it.

This doesn’t excuse all sociopathic behaviors, but maybe the minuscule traits that we all have displayed (for some 1 too many times). We’ve all lied to, stolen from and cheated someone we knew. And whether you felt bad on your first round of destruction or not – you, we, eventually learn we don’t enjoy this world completely alone, so it’s best to be apart of a crowd versus against.

So there, we can assume that majority of the world knows these common rules of respecting one another – so we don’t lose each other.

But for the socios that have taken this ignorance to another level, blinded by material positions or childhood traumas (that we’ve all let control us for longer than we should have). Or maybe, if science is right about everything…and that some just have an imbalance from not developing sensory neurons — those we can definitely label the ‘bad guy’ — but even they are a victim to their own life. Who knows, truly, what a sociopath thinks the last few seconds of their lives, especially if they see it coming with a death penalty.

If anything, it’s definitely: “oh shit.” Because either nothing happens to you or you face a real hell. Fate is no longer in your hands. Maybe you come back in the next life as a baby-blue Dooney & Burke bag, sitting patiently on a rack in an empty TJ maxx — listening to elevator music while someone shoves you out of the way for a Tommy Hilfiger. Somewhere, right now, a hipster is holding a d&b with a cigarette in their hand.

Who knows, the point is, I eventually want the best for everyone that comes in and out of my life, even the many sociopaths.

We’re all on this earth together and if we continue to label someone as the bad guy — we, would just give it more power. Yet, seeing it for what it truly is: a deeply weak and wounded person that needs help.

It’s what I tell myself when I read these articles about Trump. It’s not okay that we let someone with sociopathic tendencies much like Hitler and Saddam, two leaders who led genocides for years – run our country. But to be honest, I didn’t bother voting because I was too involved with my own hell and now we are seeing the results of that. The nations scariest mistake. Perhaps, Bush was dropping bombs over Baghdad, but he wasn’t being outwardly offensive. (I hate justifying it this way).

“Trump wants to give bonuses to teachers who get trained to arm.”

Not to mention that my math teacher in high school would only play card games and teach us 5 minutes of geometry. Not because he created a unique technique (almost everyone failed) – the card games were adding 1-digit numbers.

Meaning, can we first start giving bonuses to teachers who actually try?

That’s besides the point. I was breaking apart because my family was breaking apart — like, almost everyone’s family I knew. And mine, completely broke my heart. And I guess, I didn’t get why everyone was still together, while we weren’t.

That was a rage I had towards my family, our stubbornness, the one I inherited.

I hurt myself the most, but it had to happen or who knows, I’d be starring at business cards and getting furious over who had the better shade of white.

But, before I sound like an abuse-sympathizer, all I’ve come to realize is that most of us aren’t awake, and some don’t wake up. And that sucks. And they can hurt us all they want, but they can’t take anything from us.

I don’t know what the perfect person is: a vegan or a meat eater? Or maybe, just an honest human that knows he or she is fucked up — but tries to work on it.

I’m told I’m overly critical on myself, but that’s exactly where it’s gotten me today.

Most people, they go through something dark and they evolve a decade and then they stop growing. Changing too much is exhausting. It’s exhausting because changing requires us to be honest about who we are.

It took a long time for me to look in the mirror and feel comfortable. Be it that, we as women are all pressured to look perfect — or that, I was disappointed in myself and couldn’t take facing reality.

And everyone is surprised that you could be so smart, and making things happen all by yourself — but they don’t realize, that emotionally you were lacking growth.

To have a lack in growth is hell. Even if your progression is crawling, it’s at least moving you up.

So, maybe, I’m too proud to pen out every apology some deserve. And maybe, I can start forgiving those who also never apologized or forgot what I’d gone out of my way to do for them, just so they’d be okay.

But, I’m definitely not letting myself get away with anything. I know I’ve steered in the wrong direction, maybe sometimes totaling (yikes!), and hitting everyone in sight.

It’s a lovely story about a femme fatale who is fatale, especially to herself.

I’m overly sensitive and empathic — at times. It’s my flaw, my heart is big. But I’ve learned that love wins, every time. So bigger the heart, the bigger the win.

And I feel like, I’ve won… so much. So much, that flushing down pride is not a big deal, anymore. Humility can be beautiful, if you let it. And once you allow that progression to enter you, it gets better. Every step, small or big, gets better.

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