Polar weather

Learning to transfer stressful energy into working harder. I’ve noticed a pattern in my energy levels. Periodically, throughout the month I’m energetic and motivated. And then I have an outburst of low vibrational days where I’m not able to complete every task on my to do list. Today, I woke up at 5 A.M. (with little to no energy) to get out of bed and then I pushed myself to make tea and get to work. I had an early lunch. And then my vibrations set low. I’ve been avoiding taking a nap. I’m starting to crash. And each day I’m pushing against this wheel. But I’m learning that I need to reverse it and push forward. How to completely undue this awful curse of rising to a perfectionist’s standards and then falling flat on the line with failure. I’ve come far but I’m tired of this teeter-tottering of my soul. How I can be the greatest painter in one instance, and then someone that lacks the vision of color in the next? The sky is clear blue and then there is this one grey cloud, that I’m finally surrendering to. I’m no longer battling with you. You’re here. And I have to learn how to get along with you. I have to help you grow and hopefully show you that smaller steps are better to take. Better than, taking large leaps and then falling short, just to take another large leap — aren’t you sick of hurting yourself in this process? Here we go again, back to the joyful delight of hypomania. The ups and downs that seem to get me to exactly where I want to be — yet, it’s still not enough.

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