This week, will be the first week I get to myself in a long time.
I need it so badly.
Today, I woke up and a fight broke out between MK and I. I wanted to destroy it.
Sometimes, I don’t know if I can do anything for a long time. Like love, friendships, jobs or even the goals I set out. I don’t know what I am truly passionate about — and when I do, it changes the next month. I don’t know what you’d call this awful disease of unpredictability. Depression?
On one hand, I came home from a successful trip to Washington. My sister got married, my family reunited (somewhat), my mother made delicious food (always) and I hung out with two girl-friends that I never got to see in a different light (club lights — that is! lol).
On the other hand, I was forced to log into my iCloud and revisit the images of my past. My young 20-something self in bikinis running around the southwest with friends that are not here — and bad boyfriends that are also not here (Thank God). I’ve come a long way. I’ve beat odds that I wasn’t supposed to. I have but one friend that has managed to stay in my life and he tells me that life just ended up that way — and none of it is really my fault.
It just fascinates me that no one really checks on me. I don’t know if that hurts me or makes me laugh. I guess, I wanted it this way. I cut off ties with anyone who knew me, friendships ended when I couldn’t offer myself anymore and then I decided to finally move to a different side of the country and delete my social media. I lost everyone except my family and Arbs. I gained MK, and that is all I’ve had for a the past 9 months.
MK provided me the gates of heaven after I went through hell. I saw so many beautiful things and my life became more beautiful. And of course, in bi-polar nature, I almost destroyed that.
I am not happy with where I am in life — even though, on the outside it’s most people’s dreams….in fact, it was my dream as a child. But something deep inside of me screams that I need more.
Not more trips, handbags or clothes. I need more purpose. I need a real community of friends who don’t use me but instead appreciate me for who I am. I need something I love doing everyday. I need to wake up and have more things on my list than “eat, workout, pay a bill and have a gluten-free dinner.”
They say, start with what you don’t want. I don’t want to leave New York, I don’t want to have any children and I don’t want to not do anything. It makes me feel useless. And empty.
When I first started this blog, I was in a rough spot. I wanted to get the opportunity to do something better for the world. Fast-forward to now, and I do. But now the issue is “what.” I can’t push myself to do anything because I just don’t know if I will truly enjoy it.
Within this week, I hope to find it. I hope I run across it. I hope I catch it and don’t let go.